Hello boys and girls!
A few months ago, my buddies and I embarked on an interesting but short-lived project called TheOveranalyzers.com, where we take many popular movies and dissect them to their core, pointing out the obvious and not-so-obvious flaws/facts of the flicks. It didn’t really get a chance to takeoff and reach its potential, but I figured I’d share my personal contributions on my site. The following two excerpts are my over-the-top analysis “Gremlins.” Enjoy!
Gremlins. A harmless horror comedy about cuddly creatures turned evil? Perhaps.
Or perhaps it is a mere distraction from a more menacing plot. No one may truly ever know what his motives were, but he should be considered more of a monster than any gremlin in the film. Do not be fooled by his dimwitted charm or innocent intentions, for evil lies dormant in the mind of a true killer. It was only a matter of time before malice revealed itself in the form of Randall Peltzer: inventor, husband, father and murderer.
Let’s take a look at the evidence for a moment. The inventor goes straight into an old Chinese drug store to sell one of his oddball mechanisms to the owner, Mr. Wing, and is smitten by a cuddly creature called a mogwai, who is also apparently a hummingbird of sorts. Daddy Peltzer then asks to buy the mysterious creature for his teenage son Billy. However, as Mr. Wing discusses the rules of owning a mogwai, such as not feeding it after midnight, not letting it near water and not exposing it to bright lights, Randall doesn’t ask why. He doesn’t question the rules, doesn’t ask what this non-existent creature has come from or even ask if the mogwai has rabies. No, instead he insists on purchasing the little guy anyways. It’s not until we see his home when it starts to make more sense. Sitting in the kitchen is an “egg cracker” that acts more like the hammer of Thor than an appliance. On the main counter is the failure of an orange juicer that spews out green gunk which I believe to be a poisonous pesticide instead of a normal orange color. After the murder plan via appliances had failed, he brings home Gizmo. Daddy Peltzer decides to let Billy figure it out on his own as he head out of town for an inventor’s conference, in which we only see him in a phone booth calling home in every shot. I’m sure he is waiting for no answer in order to confirm the death of his family. Hijinks ensue as the evil gremlins go through asexual reproduction and terrorize the entire town.
(I’m getting hungry so I’m cutting this short, Vargas.)
As the family is reunited back home, a mysterious figure comes knocking at the door. Obviously, it is Mr. Wig.
Wait – obviously? How the hell does this Chinese dude know where the Peltzer’s live? Was there a credit check performed on Randall that we missed earlier? No. All of the phone calls Peltzer made in that phone booth had purpose, including refund demands of Gizmo from Mr. Wig. After all of the failed attempts on his family’s life, he decided to cover his tracks. However, his plot was bound to be uncovered at any moment. You read it here first, folks!
And another plot…
We’ve failed to notice that these gremlins, whether cute or evil, are f*cking geniuses! No matter how primitive or violent they seem, gremlins are what happen when you mix Flava Flav and Macgyver. When I was born, I couldn’t walk let alone operate a snowplow. In the midst of chaos, these creatures take their Baby Einstein learning and jack it with steroids. In one scene, the gremlins take over Dorry’s Tavern, where Kate works at night. There’s nothing strange about this at all… if you don’t consider gremlins dealing in a game of Texas Hold ‘Em, operating a radio or perfectly playing an arcade machine weird! And another thing: how did they get money for the arcade anyways? There’s a perfectly good explanation for that actually. THEY DIDN’T HAVE MONEY SO THEY RIGGED THE ARCADE FOR FREE GAMES USING THEIR ADVANCED BRAIN POWER & MACGYVER SKILLS! And where did the hundreds of gremlins get all their clothes in such a small amount of time? Did they rob a Baby Gap store on the way to the bar? Apparently they’re not only great with rigging electronics but they’re also masters of the textile arts. Where is this custom tailor of gremlins? The creatures all end up in a movie theater to watch “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” in order to portray them as sensitive, caring contributors to society. However, the dwarfs are all fine workers of the mine, even though some of them have flawed character traits and narcolepsy. It is no wonder why the gremlins feel such a direct tie to them. They are one in the same. I personally think that the gremlins have one up on the dwarfs, considering how the crazy gremlins can even operate the projectors in movie theaters. Free movies forever? Send Gizmo my way and I’ll throw that little poof into the nearest body of water just to open up my own AMC.
Stay tuned…
