I don’t know if I should document these on a case-by-case basis or not, but I feel that a year from now I can look back (like I do every year) and see where my thoughts were. When I look back at my posts on here from a year ago, there are a lot of things that have fortunately changed in my life. Hell, things have even recently changed over the course of a few months. As much as things change, they stay the same. I don’t know what it is about this time of year during the months of July & August that trigger some emotions deep inside that I’ve learned to block out. Or so I thought.
We talk about things such as closure, conclusions, endings and finishes. Some people make it look so easy. They go on with their lives in their own way, whether good or bad. I feel like I’ve put my time in & have been able to move on in my own way. And not only move on, but move on productively. Granted, there were many bumps in the road to recovery, but overall, I feel like I’ve come full circle. However, it feels as though it is becoming a yearly event where I sit around aimlessly thinking about the dreaded “what if” scenarios.
What if I tried to fight for it? What if I didn’t give up so easily? What if I didn’t take “no” for an answer? What if we had stayed together? Where would we be? What would my ring finger look like at this moment in time? What if I didn’t wait so long to tell you how I felt? What if I knew then what I know now?
I’m not looking for advice, words of encouragement or pity. I’m just looking to vent a little.
I used to think that falling in love was so easy. It probably had to do with the fact that I “fell” for nearly every girl I dated in my teenage years. However, it was just a veil that covered that feeling of infatuation. Now I wonder if this feeling of regret or lack of closure is just a veil for my insecurities or fear of being alone for the rest of my life. Somehow, I doubt it. Love is a word that I can say I’ve thrown around frantically throughout my life. I’ve thrown it around blindly just to make other people happy as well. However, if these recurring feelings of regret and incompleteness continue to surface, I feel that a true love will always be to blame. It may be something that I need to accept and embrace in order to move on. I don’t know what else can be said for me to accept the fact that the person may not be back in my life ever again. Yet, a hint of doubt creeps in just to whisper, “What if…”
But what if I can find that same love? Who’s to say it can’t exist for me again? I don’t remember if I knew I was in love right off the bat, so maybe it just grew out of nothing.
I suppose… I’ll just know.
Stay tuned…
